Entry 71,

I have been noticing that Everyone around me seems to live in disorganization and clutter whether it is at work or home. I spend time to keep my own areas neat and organized otherwise I find myself getting stressed at the dis-order. From time to time I find myself getting distressed over the clutter around me and it has made me wonder if its really just a reflection of my internal dis-order. Do I spend time and effort organizing my own space just to mask my own dis-order?

I most often find myself unable to take a side in any conflict because I can see the value in both sides and the path down the center which I choose to walk. Is the neutral path that I choose to walk preventing me from finding things with meaning? Is this Peace that I am feeling and it feels weird just because its new to me? or is it just a lack of caring for anything in particular that leaves me without a strong push/pull feeling?  What does “meaning” really mean?

“Meaning” The intensity with which I care about something. It makes sense then that the only times I choose to take a side in conflict is whenever someone tries to upset me and I choose to take my own side and not take part in the conflict at all. That tells me there is still conflict within me as to which path to take because if there wasn’t I would not feel like I had to pick a side in the first place. This is the pattern that has been showing itself to me lately, I can see the value in more than one path and instead of committing to one of them I either try to walk them both or stand still not willing to choose. This lack of focus That I am practicing is holding me back from my own potential and is creating resistance for myself.

Someone once told me that it’s better to choose a path and walk it for a bit to see where it goes than to stand still. I can always choose to walk a new path if I don’t like what I find on mine. Making a choice breeds power whereas the inability to choose stifles it.

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