Entry 69, Giggity, Frustration

I have been feeling increasingly frustrated over the past week and I cannot pinpoint the cause. One thing that I can say for sure is this, the more frustrated I get the more my eczema acts up which in turn is frustrating. It seems like every little thing is getting under my skin and each day there are more things to be frustrated about. At work there is no end to the things that can irritate me and at home if I’m not trying to avoid a cloud of vape smoke then I am dealing with dry itchy patches and never ending mucus in my lungs. Even the cat has been pissing me off lately.

So the original thing that I found to be frustrating might very well have passed and now my feeling of frustration is bringing to me frustrating things. It would make sense then to find relief and maybe reset my vibe will allow me the opportunity to start from neutral again. I have been trying to meditate but always seem to be in a time crunch for some reason. Maybe I have been trying to fit too much into my days or just fell back into my old habit of hurrying everything. I have been getting restless and hurried which leads me to  frustration when things don’t move as fast as I want them to which leads to the dark side.

Putting this into words really does make it easier to see what’s going on. Time to try meditating.

I meditated and had a good nights sleep which has offered me some distance from my frustration and I think has enabled me to see it from a different perspective. It is not some big thing that is frustrating me at all, it’s all of the little things that I am looking at in a negative light each moment of my day. I have been looking at a situation and choosing to take the approach that it isn’t how it should be which is frustrating. Instead I can choose to see that it is exactly how it should be and to accept it for what it is which brings relief.

At work I am faced with the problem that so many of the staff leave jobs unfinished or don’t return things to the place they got them from. I like things to be done right the first time, kept orderly and put back where they came from so I find myself cleaning up after everyone and then resenting them for it. This is an old pattern of mine that I want to change. It feels like I only have two choices: I can accept the chaos and for what it is and try to flow with it or I can try to control the environment in an effort to make me feel better. I don’t really like my work space to be chaotic but trying to control everyone will drive me mad so I guess for now my best bet is to withdraw (care less) and try to relax a bit.

I suppose it’s not really caring less, it’s more about caring about my state of mind more than the order of the workplace, Re-prioritizing in a way that benefits me. My desire to control my environment has snuck  up on me again and so smoothly too. I am trying to find this state of mind where I am accepting of where I am and looking forward to things getting better. What I have achieved is a state of mind where I am dissatisfied with where I am and trying to change it to something better which is frustrating.

I am where I am and that’s ok, it is ok because that’s where I am. I am where I am and that’s ok, it has to be ok because it’s where I am. Staying focused in this moment and keeping my mind calm can be challenging especially when faced with the expectations of others. With practice I will get better, I have gotten better.  Take a deep breath and release it slowly paying attention to air filling my lungs and then the fall of my chest as I exhale. I feel a bit more hopeful now.

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