It has been a few days now since my last entry and during that time I have had this feeling of being generally dis-interested. It feels like I am slowly falling back into the same old rhythm that I have repeated over and over again. I go to work each day to a job that I don’t really care for, just to make money which I spend most of on housing, food and transportation so that I can go back to work again. The longer this pattern goes on the more I will spend on booze and other things to numb the pain of this hollow and repetitive cycle. My days off are spent getting groceries and trying to relax although I have been finding myself bored on my days off lately as well as at work. I don’t know what to do with myself as everything that looks like fun requires me to not have a busted ankle and extra money to spend.
It’s almost like I have dealt with all of my personal drama and now in the absence of conflict I am feeling lost. Almost like I am uncomfortable being at peace which would mean that I am not really at peace. I have known for many years that routine and repetition quickly become frustrating and boring to me, what I haven’t figured out is whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. It’s times like this when I struggle with identifying whether I am looking at my current situation from a negative perspective or whether I am resisting my flow by staying where I am. Should I stay or should I go? I have made the wrong choice many times before but maybe i’ll get it right this time.
My current job has served me well as a source of income and challenged me to face some of my personal issues and alter my own beliefs to better suit me. Now I am feeling like I have plateaued at this job in terms of personal growth and financial, It has just become a place where I can go to rinse and repeat for cash which is boring and feels like a waste of time. I am faced with the issue of my broken foot which hasn’t fully healed yet and that I think it would be extremely hard to find a new job while being broken.
There is a new climbing gym opening up right beside my current work place which is quite appealing to me as I find the sport of rock climbing or bouldering to be quite interesting. Again It feels like a long shot to work at a climbing gym before my ankle is healed especially since my experience is very limited. There has got to be a way that I can get more enjoyment out of where I am now, at least until I am back on my feet.
Today at work I could see how excited the teenagers get over the smallest things like a free slice of pizza or even which cleaning task they get to do at the end of the day. I saw how exuberant they were and thought to myself “I would love to get that excited about anything” It feels like I have dissected my thoughts and beliefs to the point where I neither get upset nor excited about much of anything.
I am in an odd head space where I am not clear on what to do with myself as I am in a kind of holding pattern as I heal physically. Then It occurs to me that if my physical is in a holding pattern then that means my mental and spiritual are also in a holding pattern. Perhaps this feels so odd to me because I have not experienced this sensation before because I have made changes to my-self and am now walking a new path. I do know that whether I am walking towards something good or bad it will get easier to recognize the longer I walk the path.
For now I will focus on strengthening my ankle and look for ways to make my current work more interesting or enjoyable.