Entry 64, Plateau

First off, I have decided to change to entries instead of tracking days after missing a couple days. Also I took a day off from writing every week or two up to this point as well so doing entries seems like a more honest approach.

I have been feeling dis-interested over the past few days almost like I hit a plateau of sorts. I do not enjoy repetition of things that aren’t much fun which is what reviewing my journal entries was starting to feel like. It feels like I am grinding my way through them just to do it because that’s what I said I was going to do. There must be a way to use them that doesn’t feel so repetitious. This feels like one of those instances where something that was once lifting me up is now holding me down.

Perhaps I will read through and find entries that offer something of value to me in the place I am in now. That feels like a better idea than grinding my way through just for the sake of getting through it. This way feels more like going with the flow.

As for this plateau feeling that I have been feeling, Trying to put it into words is difficult. The word plateau is pretty descriptive in itself although in this case it feels like the plateau is at the top of the mountain I was climbing and I am now standing on this flat surface surrounded by clouds not sure where to go next. Another way to describe it would be having made my way through the rapids and arriving in a calm lake where the water is so deep there seems to be no current and the fog has rolled in. This unfamiliar feeling of … is it peace?  or something else?

It feels like I finished my to-do list and now I don’t know what to do with myself which is exactly what happened at work yesterday. I had a list of tasks that I was hoping to get done by the end of the day which I finished  a couple hours early and was left sitting there with my thumb up my butt and feeling tired for an hour before I decided to leave early. When I got home I still felt fatigued and had nothing that I needed to do nor really wanted to do so I grabbed a beer and watched a movie and some T.V. before going to bed.

I have this feeling that I have to make good use of my day off from work by accomplishing something. Perhaps that idea/belief is not really serving me too well as the best use for this day off might simply be to rest. The issue I am having is that I feel restless which makes sense now that I think of it. How can I rest while feeling rest-less? I want to let go of this go-go-go mentality that I have developed for work as I don’t think its really doing me much good right now. It also leaves me exhausted at the end of the work day so it might not be the best approach then either. Meditating and writing down anything that I am trying to remember for later will allow me to clear my mind and start with a blank slate. Then I can Rest.

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