For the last few days I really haven’t had a desire to write much, It feels like my entries have become somewhat repetitive as I revisit my old journal entries. I haven’t had any strong negative emotions that I feel require dissecting and dealing with. I have noticed that my “Eczema” is back in full swing on my hands, arms and legs which means that something is out of whack and I have been putting on some weight again.
Since returning to work I have been eating more fried food and consuming more sugar as I have been getting tired and wanting a boost. I have been feeling less rested in the mornings as well which could be the result of my diet. Something I am doing is not serving me as well I would like but I am not able to distinguish that thing from everything else just yet. One nice thing is that whatever it is will get bigger and bigger until I have no choice but to see it and deal with it.
Just yesterday I heard myself tell a co-worker in regards to spicy foods that normally I feel the effects of even a little spice but since I have been eating hot sauce everyday for weeks now that I barely notice it. I suppose that same principle can apply to anything that might be uncomfortable at first. The more I expose myself to something that is uncomfortable the more I get used to it and the less aware I am of its effects. I become de-sensitized over time to the point that I cannot even tell that I am hurting myself. So how can I re-sensitize myself?
Perhaps the Idea of toughness that I have learned to value is a belief that no longer serves me. Perhaps being “Tough” or “Thick-skinned” really just means that I can’t feel when I am hurting instead of meaning that I cant be hurt. Perhaps being vulnerable and open is the only way to feel the small hurts before they become big hurts. I would rather notice soon than later when I am hurting myself so how can I allow that to be? Maybe this is me noticing earlier than I used to and this is my opportunity to make new choices.
I was doing pretty good when I first returned to work but lately I have been falling back into old habits again. I have been pushing myself too hard at work, trying to pick up everyone else’s slack and tiring myself out. Then I turn to more food and Pop/soda for energy to combat my lack of energy and voila! I am back in an endless loop of filling the void which is created by filling the void. I have been doing more and meditating less, I have been planning more and being(in the moment) less.
I caught a glimpse of someone I would like to be and began taking steps to make it happen which has thrown me out of whack. I want to get back to riding the current instead of trying to direct the flow. Every time I make an effort to be someone, I forget to be me. I try to be the guy who has it all figured out, the guy with all the answers , the incorruptible, the guy who’s always happy, the guy who fixes things, The guy who is consistent and reliable, the guy…..
Today after work I was waiting for my taxi while a co-worker was waiting for her ride to pick her up and we chatted for a bit. This girl is a cheerleader and finishes every sentence with a big smile and a cute laugh no matter what. This is the character she has chosen to be for whatever her reasons are and I wonder how many people really cant see the sadness that I can in her eyes when she tells half of her stories. Perhaps I can see past the character/ego because I have dissected my own previously or maybe that is my gift, The ability to see through the illusion. Maybe it’s that I am able to decide for myself what I am looking at rather than let other people influence what I am seeing.
So why then do I allow myself or my own ego to sell me the illusion that I am fine when I am actually not fine?
It could be that I want to be fine and so the sale is an easy one, My brain offers up the idea that I am fine and I say “ooh that sounds nice, ill buy that”. It seems easier to buy the lie than to face the truth until the truth gets too big to be ignored. I want to get better at recognizing the lies before I buy them from my-self. My Ego wants for everything to be good or fine and so when I trust my ego to decide for me I give up my own power to this imaginary identity and I end up suffering for this idea of who I am.
The moment I anchor myself to an idea I begin to form an ego and limit my own growth. My energy and life force flows freely and the moment I latch onto something I stop going with the flow. I want to master the art of reaching for ideas as long as they are serving me and recognizing the moment they are not. That girl, the cheerleader asked me what my goals or ambitions in life are and I could not answer her with anything more than ” I just want to be happy”. That has been my line for probably 7 years maybe 8 now.
It just hit me, My goal is: To master the art of going with the flow.