Day 61, JP 34

page 34

[[[[ I Can be a better friend. In the past I had always taken my friends for granted. Always searching for a new thing to make me feel good. The new things was always short lived. the joy always came from being with friends. I have been a confused Douchebag for most of my life.                                                                                                                                      I see the pattern clearly. In my pursuit of advancement I pushed my friends aside, or pursuit of a woman , whatever it was that I thought would make me whole. I left my friends in my wake. not long after I Would realize that I Wasn’t happy so I Would Find a new pursuit and repeat the cycle. Always searching and never satisfied, never at peace.                                                                                                                                                                  I Can be different. By making joy or fun my goal. I don’t have to be the best to have friends. I don’t have to strive for perfection to be fun. I can make having fun more important than winning. I can be different.]]]]]

Even five years ago I was becoming more aware of my own faults and striving to make changes. I stumbled a lot along the way as I was constantly trying to bridge too large a gap and falling into the depths of depression each time I failed. My failures helped me to develop an all-encompassing sense of doubt which when  mixed with my overly positive jargon and ideas made for some serious confusion and internal discord. Basically I ended up back at square one which will show up later in my journal.

It’s up to me to make different choices this time and walk a new fresh path instead of repeating the pattern. Having lived through the rise and fall once before I think I will be able to spot the warning signs this time around. I now know to stick to small shifts that feel like relief and this time it’s not just theory as I have had opportunity to practice. As always, time will tell and I will do my best to enjoy that time.

 

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