[[[[What I Feel best about is having good times with Good friends. I have turned my back on all of my friends over the years. I hated myself for it. Always for fear of being hurt. The best defense is a strong offence. this is how I have lived my life. protecting my feelings before I could be hurt. Not very peaceful though. Always on guard. Nothing gets in. Lonely type of life. the truth is.. the pain is an indicator of something that I don’t want. Pivot. the joy or pleasure is also an indicator of what I do want. Every time I did something new I would get really good really fast and then drop it to do the next things. Taking pride in the amount of things. Running every time I got hurt. I was always about being the best or winning. I Forgot how to have fun along the way. now I know better.]]]]
Well I covered most of this in the last entry, having said that, I do believe I now have a deeper understanding of the reasons why I behaved in this manner. I do know better now although that doesn’t mean I have always been able to put this knowledge into action. There is a big gap that exists between knowing what to do and actually doing it. There is an old saying that goes like this ” You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?” It is so easy to tell people how to do something or to judge their walk. It has taken me many years to shut my mouth and let my actions speak for me, Walking the walk.
“It’s not who you are underneath but what you do that defines you” another Batman quote. I would dive a little deeper on this one as I think the motive behind the actions means more than the actions themselves to the person performing them. To people on the outside they are just actions or events which are perceived from their point of view, Good or bad. On a more personal level I could do something nice for someone else out of spite and It would not serve me although they might be grateful.
The energy behind the motion means everything. For instance, If I were to help someone move out of obligation I would come to resent the person I was helping for putting me in that position and I would have only negative energy to offer (complaining a lot etc). If I help someone move because I have the desire to be part of their move then I will feel grateful to be a part of the shared experience and I will have positive energy to share during the process (joking around etc.)
I have been making an effort to only do things that I want to do and to find new ways of looking at things I don’t want to do. The results have been substantial as there is value in every experience if I can see it from the right angle. The challenge is to find that angle, which often requires releasing some resistance beliefs that I have been holding for a long time. Everything in my life is experienced through the kaleidoscope of my beliefs so when I find something that I don’t like I understand that its because of my beliefs and not because of whatever has my attention.
Things and situations are neither good nor bad until I project my beliefs onto them and compare, The challenge is to question my own beliefs in an effort to see things for what they truly are.