Day 56, JP 32

page 32

[[[[ Why do I feel compelled to overindulge?  Why do I feel the need to Finish? Why do I want to be the first one Finished? all of the time?                                                                         I am, Where I am and that’s ok! I am Where I am and I want it to be ok.  I am Where I am and that’s ok!                                                                                                                                    Compete only with myself.                                                                                                         What I’m doing doesn’t matter as much as who I’m doing it with. Life is more fun with friends. I don’t Want to be a lone ranger anymore.                                                               Move my core first, Walk with my hips. my arms and legs can take care of Themselves.    – It hurts when your family turn their back on you.                                                                      – It hurts even more when it’s your best friend. I Know, I did it my friends. Douchebag.]]]]

Ill start by saying that My family never turned their back on me, It was the other way around I was just to deep in my self pity to recognize it. I am not even sure if my friends ever had the chance to turn their backs on me either as I would usually beat them and anyone else to the punch.  The best defense is a strong offence Has been my way for a long time and in the arena of relationships that means cutting the cord before the other person has the chance to do it. I cant get hurt if I don’t give them the chance to hurt me. This mentality tells me that I was assuming the worst was going to happen each time I got close to someone and I am still working to ease that expectation and one day even expect the best.

I think I adopted the belief that getting too close to someone or something only led to the pain of having it taken away. So I put up walls and barriers and kept everyone at a safe distance out of fear that I would be hurt again. This fear has shaped who I was and has helped in shaping who I am. I became the asshole that was doing the hurting by pushing against the possibility of being hurt myself. Another example of how pushing against something only brings it closer.

When I was a boy, about five years old my father was taken away by police. This one event would shape my entire life because of the pain I felt as my whole world was torn apart. Until just a couple weeks ago I have not been able to look at a cop without feeling anger and resentment towards them and everything they stand for. I don’t feel as strongly now although I do feel most police are bullies with a gun and backup. At least I can see the person behind the uniform now and have a conversation with them without feeling deep seated resentment. That Pain I felt was something I was never able to deal with and after a while I learned to hide it instead of allowing it to heal.

Now as an adult I have been breaking down the walls, barriers, safety nets and masks that I spent a lifetime putting up to protect me because they actually buried and suffocated me. Welcome to my process, I have been trying to figure this stuff out for many years and now I feel I am making steady progress by taking baby steps and putting forth a consistent effort day to day.  Go With the Flow




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