Day 54, JP 30, Defeated

page 30

[[[[ What tomorrow brings is a mystery Which only time will Reveal. I do Know that I Will Face the mystery With love in my heart and hope on my lips. For I crave the excitement of not-knowing.

There comes a time in each of our lives when the structures and rules that once supported and protected us become shackles that bind us.

I Would Rather be happy than right. I Would Rather have fun than win.]]]]

This is a very optimistic point of view as not-knowing can be either terrifying or exciting depending on my perspective. What I mean is that If I expect bad things to happen then not-knowing will be scary and I will be fearful and anxious whereas if I am optimistic and expect good things then I will be filled with hope and excitement for the unknown future. My state of mind in this moment determines how I feel about the future which means that this moment matters more than the unknown future does and I should focus on feeling good now instead of guessing what the future has in store for me.

“There comes a time in each of our lives when the structures and rules that once supported and protected us become the shackles that bind us” Pretty sure Jim Gordon said this in the movie “The Dark Knight Rises”. This statement and so many things from the Dark knight trilogy Resonate  deeply with my own experiences in life. This particular statement resonates in regards to the mental walls that I built to shield myself from pain which eventually became the walls that limit my ability to feel joy as well.

If my life is reflected through the Batman trilogy then I feel like I am in the Third stage of my story. The first stage involved the trauma which shaped who I was while I wore a mask “happy face” and found some success in life while facing some of my fears. The second stage during which my Life was tested when faced with chaos and an immovable object (my wife) where I ended up wounded and looking like the bad guy at the end. Now I am in the third act where I have been stripped down to nothing, beaten and broken. I will not lay down and die, I will rebuild myself and rise stronger than I have ever been.

I still get quotes from “Abraham hicks” in my email everyday although I don’t always read them anymore. The reason I stopped reading them is that It became repetitive and I wasn’t making any progress. I knew and know the theory behind it all as I studied so much material for years learning the ideas and the methods that were taught. The whole time I was missing the one things that I needed more than anything and that was actual practice. I have always been a hands on learner even though I can remember theory pretty well. I have to do something before It sinks in so I will remember it and I overlooked the power in taking baby steps.

Today the quote  “Words do not teach at all. It is life experience that brings you your knowing. But when you hear words that are a vibrational match to the knowing that you have accumulated, then sometimes it’s easier for you to sort it all out.
Excerpted from Chicago, IL on 11/2/97 ”

This sunk in today as I have finally begun to recognize the teachings in the experiences that I have been having. I have spent so much time in my own head that I have missed out on the life experiences which I learn from “Too Much Mind”. Another movie quote, I think this is from “The Last Samurai” “Too Much Mind” – “No Mind”. Meaning stop trying to figure out how to live and “Just Do It” (recognize that slogan?)  Fear of failure Might have  a lot to do with this in my case. If I don’t really apply myself then I never really fail.

The statement ” Fear of Failure” has come up a few times in the past weeks  from different sources which tells me there might be something for me to consider there. Deep down am I afraid to fail?  Could that be why I rush all the time? so I have an excuse if something isn’t very good.  For instance : If I do a project really fast and it turns out shitty, I can always just say that I did it really fast and that’s why it sucks.

When I was working as a collision repair tech I was really fast in the beginning until I screwed up a couple times and got caught on some more complex jobs. After that I slowed right down and Became so anal and detailed that I ended up working all of the big jobs and luxury cars rarely ever doing anything subpar although I found it frustrating and exhausting. My employers only complaint in the last five years or so of my time in the trade was that I was too slow, only producing 100-120 hours of work every 2 weeks, oh and that I was sick at least once a month. They never complained about the fact that my work never came back to get redone or that I had the least amount of problems during the repair process because I took my time and was thorough. I remember this being extremely frustrating for me and I wonder if it was because of my own fear of failure.

What is the logic behind  a fear of failure? I suppose it comes from a belief that I expect to fail and that failure is a bad thing. A fear of failure then shows a lack of belief in my-self that I can succeed which will only be reinforced by each failure which is expected more and more. Do I see myself as a failure?      I have failed at everything in my life so far and I don’t really feel like a success.  I do expect to lose and I am rewarded more often than not by losing. That is a sobering thought, A reality check.

Whenever I get my hopes up and do expect to win, the ensuing loss hurts so much more than if I don’t even try in the first place. So why try and succeed?  WOW  I have a defeatist mentality and I didn’t even realize it until now.

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