Day 52, JP 28, Light and Shadow

page 28

[[[[ I Was blind and now I can See. I Can See Clearly now that I have moved my hands from my own eyes. I am good enough as I am. I am worthy of my own love as I am. There is nothing that I need to do, be or have in order to be good enough. I am good enough as I am. I am worthy of my own love.

The Fog of anger has lifted and I Can now see the path I have Weaved in my life. Now I get to start a new path With Clear skies.

In The presence of a great light all others Will See dark shadows. If the light is dimmed the shadows appear to fade but still Remain unseen without the light.]]]]

Looking back to when I wrote this with my current perspective I can say that this was wishful thinking as I was reaching too far for it to stick. I had removed myself from all of the things that had caused me grief which provided a false sense of security and righteousness. The reason I say it this way is that my situation was not sustainable as I was simply hiding from all of my issues. This period of time where I was responsibility free was a blessing because it allowed me to relax for a time and regroup.

The fog of anger had receded along with the circumstances that were reminding me of how angry I really was. I was following the path that felt best to me at the time which would be the path of least resistance. I am still to this day not sure if it was the best path to take but I feel like it was the path I had to take. I took a leap of faith and for a period of about 2 1/2 months I was a leaf floating in the wind, both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. This time between when I walked out of the door with a backpack and $60 leaving  my wife and the life we had created together was the result of doing what felt good at that time.

I chose to walk an unknown path instead of continuing on a path that I could feel was killing me on the inside. I don’t think it was that I knew I was heading in the right direction, I knew which way I could no longer go and that was to continue down the path that my wife/life was heading. This meant breaking promises and leaving the best part of me behind ( My Dog “Leeroy Brown” The baddest damn dog in the whole damn town). My Dog exemplified everything I wanted to be and the moment I realized that I had to leave him behind was the most difficult thing I have ever faced. It felt like my soul and my heart were tearing each other apart, It hurt unlike anything I can ever remember feeling before or since.

I learned from my Mom that you never make a promise you can’t keep, Well I didn’t learn it well enough I guess. These days the only promise I will make to anyone is this” I promise that I will do whatever feels best to me at the time” Anything more than that and I will fail to honor it eventually.

In the presence of a great light there will be shadows only if there are walls to block the light. When I walk into a room filled with people while feeling good (bright Light), Those who feel worse than me(Walls) have a choice to make. That choice is to either join me in feeling good(allow the light to penetrate), try to bring me down to their level(Cast Big shadows) or leave. If I walk into a room and there is someone who is shining brighter than I am, I have to make the choice whether to cast a shadow or allow their light to shine through. It is very rare that I will choose to leave unless everyone in the room is basking in the shadows and I don’t care to be the center of their attention.

Along with my increasingly bright light I have learned to cloak it so as not to draw too much attention until I am ready for the spotlight. This means keeping my mouth shut a lot and allowing people to have their opinions and drama while I study it all in an effort to expand my own consciousness. The deeper I delve into my own beliefs and ideals, the more I am aware of the flaws in the beliefs of the people I interact with. I want to help other people find peace and joy and until recently I thought I could push or pull them towards those things. The truth is this, all I can do without creating resistance is to shine as bright as I can and provide the choice to join me or not.

I find it challenging to be able to see so clearly how to guide other people and not be able to see how best to guide myself. I am aware that most of the advice I have to share with people is advice for myself as the person who is pointing the finger is the person who has the issue.

I am a forever student and the moment I feel that I am more than that I become resistant.

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