[[[[so What Now? Nelson is nice, but I Find myself drawn to the city. the pace and variety are quite appealing. I Want to snowboard, skateboard, paintball, Surf and anything else fun. I want to have friends to play poker and Battlefield. I Want to have my own place. I Want to have my own Vehicle. I Want to travel on trips. I Want lots of free time. I Want Money to flow in as easily ass it flows out. I Want to feel excitement and passion everyday. I Want to feel abundance in Freedom, money, food, fun, entertainment and love. I Want to find a girl who I find irresistible and who loves me. I Want to share in the fun and passion. I Want to travel with someone who is adventurous. I Want to live with feeling. I want to live my dreams. I Want to be aware of any old beliefs that no longer serve me in a positive way. This is the first moment of the rest of my life.]]]]]
It might seem like I am focused on the things I want but I see a man who is acutely aware of all the things he does not have in his life. I was feeling very alone in my struggles when I wrote this as I had more or less alienated all of my friends and moved to a new town with wife ( separated at the time I wrote this page in my journal) I was reaching for these things that were definitely out of my reach at the time which only reinforces the despair that I was feeling in the long run. Trying to jump from despair to joy in one leap can feel good in the moment much like getting drunk or smoking some pot as its a quick fix, this only serves to band-aid the problem and allows the problem to grow bigger.
Some of these journal entries will get tedious and repetitive because I was unable to actually shift my vibration/feeling to something that felt better. The circumstances might change on the surface but the feeling place that I was in stayed the same. I was so focused on making big changes that I failed to realize that I wasn’t making any real progress, Just spinning my wheels. At the very least I was trying to point myself in the direction that I wanted to go instead of staring into the abyss that was my life, this is practicing the art of pivoting except I wasn’t finding the relief I really wanted.
The first step to take is always to take an honest look at where I am and accept it for what it is, this actually brings some relief the moment I stop resisting my reality. Acceptance of who I am, where I am and my responsibility for all of it, bring with it a great sense of freedom. This freedom comes from releasing all of the chains that bind me through blame and resentment. I cannot both blame someone else and take responsibility for my circumstances at the same time. So the choice I make is to pick the one that feels better. Blame breeds weakness, powerlessness and victims whereas ownership/responsibility spawns strength, confidence and self-control. Let go and be free.
This is the first moment of the rest of my life 🙂