Day 43, JP 21

page 21

[[[[ I’ve been Thinking a lot about paintball and battlefield and snowboarding and surfing and everything fun. Kickboxing maybe too. I Want my own place in the lower mainland. I Want the money to do as I please. I Want to make some new friends and Visit With old friends. I Want to travel and stay in hotels on Road trips. Travelling for paintball tournaments was so much fun. I Want to play poker with friends. I Want to have camaraderie. I Want the excitement of competition. I’m excited to see how things work out.]]]]

I was certainly starting to have a positive outlook on my future here which I believe to be the result of hope. The only activity that I have gotten around to was playing Battlefield again as its pretty cheap compared to the other activities. I did have the opportunity to go longboarding a lot when I first moved to the lower mainland thanks to my friend who had two boards. The money hasn’t come yet which is probably a good thing as if it had I would not have had to change my ways. I was a consumer on all fronts meaning that with money I never would have had to slow my consumption. My lack of money was the only real factor limiting my addictive behavior which has made it a blessing in disguise.

Since I wrote this page five-ish years ago I have reconnected with old friends and made some new ones along the way. I haven’t been on to many road trips although I have traveled by bus a couple times and stayed with family. I had spent so much time avoiding people in an effort to hide my pain and shame that the idea of all the fun I had experienced with friends in the past simply felt really good. I can have a good time by my-self easily enough but sharing a good time makes it even better.

Things haven’t worked out the way I would have said I wanted them too back then, having said that I can’t imagine them working out in a better way for me. I have had the support I needed every step along the way from friends, family (some friends are family) and many other people who might never know they helped me clarify who I want to be. It’s not always the people who agree with me or give me what I think I want that have been the most helpful.

Sometimes its having someone close to me telling me what I didn’t want to hear that shook me out of my apathy and got me moving again. Seeing someone I love crashing and burning so bad that I could not ignore the similarities in our paths. It may be my life and my choices but It’s the people I surround myself with that offer me the most insight into myself. Their pain is a reflection of my pain and their joy is a reflection of my joy.

These days I am not as competitive as I used to be unless I am competing for having the most fun. My personal goal is to be the happiest loser anyone ever meets and the happiest winner too. I still feel the sting of losing when I try to prove something to anyone other than myself.

I have had my ups and downs over the past five years make no mistake I have stepped off my best path over and over. Each time I step off I gain more information about myself and my patterns which has enabled me to make changes to my character. These changes to my character will allow me to live a new pattern and then decide if I like that path or if I want to try something different.

 

 

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