Day 41,JP 19, Greener grass

page 19

[[[[I Crave Wanting and passion. Both can be found in competition. The reason I Quit paintball was that I no longer believed I could be great. I Was Wanting and not believing.

With What I Know now I can play at my best always. I Want the excitement I Want the passion, I Want the competition, I Want the camaraderie, I want the travelling. I Want to play paintball and Battlefield competitively.

I am good and I can be better. I don’t need to win but I sure do want to win. I Want to play. I Was always a hot + cold player. I believe that I will be a hot+ warm player than just a hot player. Time to make it a trilogy. The rise of Booger. lol A phoenix rises from the ashes to burn bright once again]]]]

This page is steeped in a desire to reclaim past glory. I quit paintball because it felt more like work than pleasure and I could no longer afford the lifestyle. I let my pride and ego taint a sport that I loved to the point where I no longer enjoyed it. I was an amazing player when I confident but I was easily dissuaded when challenged by equal caliber opponents because I was weak minded. I was entirely fueled by the power of my emotions and was even able to fire up my team unless I doubted my abilities.

All of the Wanting is for that feeling of being powerful that I got when I played ball because on a good day I could compete with the best( I still believe I was that good when I was on my game) But I was weak minded and easily swayed by even a single seed of doubt.  Doubt led to depression of a sort which is when I latched onto computer gaming as my next avenue for feeling powerful. The mix of a mmorpg (massively multiplayer online role playing game) and booze was enough to mask my inner pain for quit some time. I still had not learned how to deal with my pain that kept resurfacing. I was still too proud to acknowledge my issues other than to say I was a hot-cold player.

The reason for the hot-cold was because I did not have a middle emotion or neutral ground. I was either amped up on hope, adrenaline, substance, false-confidence, ego or I was filled with doubt , frustration, anger, pain which resulted in my hot-cold life.

I love the phoenix metaphor as it romanticizes the idea of hitting bottom and being reborn fresh and new. For me that was the pattern in each endeavor I dove into fresh adventure/house/friends/ job and I burned bright for a while until I crashed and burned only to repeat. This pattern is still somewhat alive in me today and I am just now seeing it. I dive headfirst into something new until it no longer interests me and then I switch to something new again.

I am not entirely sure that this pattern is a bad thing as I thrive on learning new things and discovering aspects of myself that I was previously unaware. Or is there something I am not seeing yet that is driving this behavior?  could it be like I tell people about relationships: at first you only notice the things you like about a person(cloud 9) and then over time we start to pay attention to the things we don’t like and the romance dies.

Is my whole life just this pattern repeating? Is this why I am always becoming interested in new things? Am I afraid of being stuck in a unhappy situation?  I am the sheep that thinks the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I am afraid of the stillness, the quiet which is kind of odd because I love being awake at night as the world just seems quieter and calmer.  I might still hold some dis-ease at my core that I have yet to expose to the light. Now that this is on my mind I know I will source some answers in the coming days.

2 thoughts on “Day 41,JP 19, Greener grass

  1. Nice read, man. I can relate to a lot here. Primarily the hot-cold attitude, search for new ventures of triumph, and, though not necessarily directly discussed but can be extrapolated from between the lines, fear of repeated failure. I have always had a want for success (above others), as if I had something to prove. And while that put a fire under my ass to do well it also made any failures much more embarrassing and regretful. This lead to fear of failure and inhibited me in certain things like meeting new people or asking a girl out or performing in a task efficiently. It wasn’t until actually the past 3 years that I started to understand that failures are actually the greatest success, in that, we learn our most valuable lessons from them both internally (in how our emotions affect situations), and externally (in how our physical limitations need to be considered). Obviously, easier said than done, some people have deep seated afflictions that inhibit their ability to overcome this. But I think the best thing I could do was be open and honest with myself first, and secondly, act on the things I want to do (that aren’t necessarily in a competitive format) to feel a sense of homeostasis. I think it also took a huge boost of inspiration from something larger than myself to realize this, which is something to be noted. It’s taken a long time to get to a point of self love, and it’s something I always recommend reassuring people who are struggling. Anyways, thanks for sharing! (sorry for the paragraph.)


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