Day 36, JP 16, Progress

page 16

[[[[ I Want to remember how to live with Passion again. I Want The intensity of unfiltered me. I Want to move my body because it feels good to do it. I Want to feel desire, full power wanting. I Want the Zest for life. I Want to explode. I Want to yell. I Want to scream. I Want to yell. I Want to be excited. I Want to be passionate for life. I Want to be unmuffled. I Want to be uncorked. I Want to be open. I Want to be bold. I Want to feel the Rush. I Want to surrender to the power of my stream. I WANT TO FEEL IT!!!!]]]]]]

This page was written by a man drowning in his own self imposed limitations. I had built so many walls in an effort to avoid pain that I had also cut out pleasure. I was Wanting to be free from myself at this point and felt like it was going to take some massively intense experience to do it.  I was so numb to the world that my biggest desire was to be able to feel which was actually quite intuitive I think. Without the ability to feel emotions whether pain, pleasure or anything in between I was lost in the void without my compass.

I was still trying to get’er done as fast as I could which played a large part in why it has taken me so long to make progress. Lasting progress is achieved by slow step by step progression using small achievable goals to aid in staying on track. For me This has been the biggest hurdle as I have always placed value in being fast and seen slow and steady as weak. Now that I can see the pattern of taking big exciting steps and then falling back over and over I can easily see that small steps are the way to go.

Taking small steps was excruciating for me as I was Wanting to have big exciting feelings like I was describing above and I viewed not having the big feels as a failure. It has taken me what feels like a long time to appreciate each small victory and each time I am able to find relief. Only very recently (the last couple months) have I developed appreciation for each small step that I take and I feel so much better for it.

Using the boat on a stream analogy: My old self was pointed upstream in fast moving shallow water with massive rapids throwing my boat around crying out for something exciting to happen, My current self is I think mostly pointed downstream in medium to deep water only having to paddle when it looks like fun to do so.  Overall I feel much more relaxed and better able to handle the situations that arise because I am no longer in a hurry to find the end of the stream.



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