Day 35, JP 15/ Compromise

page 15 edited

Above reads:

[[[I can be all or nothing and change direction at anytime. I don’t have to pick one person and find ways to make them fit. If I am open and honest with myself I will always be moving towards what I want. It’s up to me to focus on the aspects of others that I like but not to settle or compromise my whole desire. I desire exactly what I want. It’s time to tell myself the whole truth instead of the shortest answer possible. I Want to feel intense emotions. Intense passion. I don’t care what about, I Just  want to feel Passion. I suppose passion is pure desire unrestricted. The last time I felt passionate about someone or something was a girl.  ]]]]  I blacked out her name at the end.

This page has a theme to it as most of the things I talk about directly relate to my ex-wife and that isn’t her name on the bottom. The first line was my truth at the time and it means that I struggled with multitasking as I would go all in on one thing until the moment I shifted to a new thing. I still do this with food, music, games, hobbies etc. I will have the same thing for lunch for weeks-months until one day I switch to something new and repeat for example I have been eating turkey wraps for almost 3 months now( I switched to ham for 2 days then back to turkey)

When I have my mind set on something any type of compromise just means I don’t get what I want and the other person isn’t getting what they want unless what is wanted is a compromise. I found myself often doing what my partner wanted and resenting her for it because the compromise was something I just couldn’t handle. At least one of us got what they wanted right? well she also wanted me to be happy about it which made me die a little inside each time until eventually I just stopped wanting things because it was easier that way. This is a fantastic way to cultivate depression within myself and create a bigger divide within a relationship.  I could not find a way to have what I wanted within the confines of the relationship that I had built and so I numbed myself with drugs/alcohol etc.

Everyone deserves to be happy but not at the expense of someone else, it took me a long time for this to sink in. I had to make how I felt more important than the promise I had made when I got married, the structures I built became the shackles that bound me.

I also had a habit of taking the fastest/shortest path possible to the finish line without realizing that the finish line offers so little reward compared to what is available during the journey.

I am pretty sure I was confusing passion with lust around this time as Lust comes on strong and passion can feel less intense but much more wholesome. I now have a passion for writing but I wouldn’t consider it a super strong feeling it’s more just something that I want to do because I enjoy it. My desire is to express myself and to use writing as a means to understand myself and so I am passionate about it.

The last line makes it pretty clear for me that I was meaning to say that I hadn’t felt lustful since that girl who was exactly everything I had wanted at the time. Looking back I would have dumped me too as she was a free spirit (everything I wanted to be and have) and I was already carrying a lot of baggage and looking to chain her down.

I have since been learning the value of having simple desires like wanting to laugh, smile, play and generally just have a good time. Now that I am not willing to compromise my own beliefs for the sake of someone else I am rarely if ever put in a situation where compromise even comes up.


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