this journal page is nearly 5 years old and I will type what it says below.
[[[I didn’t have the Dad or brother That I Wanted for many years. As far back as I Can Remember every man I Knew always had Their guard up. Everyone was always worried about What would happen or the consequences. I ended up the same way. Guarded. It’s a safe way to live but you never really live. I get to change the pattern. I can be a loving brother and a loving father. Honest on both accounts. I get to follow my own path. I want to have a relationship based on love, honesty and trust. I’ll have it when I am ready.]]]
Well just because they weren’t what I wanted doesn’t mean that they weren’t loving and honest with me, It’s just that I was only able to see the feelings I was putting out there. Looking back at this page in my journal it seems pretty straight forward that I hadn’t really grasped the idea of ” As it is inside, so it is outside”. I think its pretty safe to say that I was the one always worried about the consequences because I always assumed it was going to be bad. The victim mentality can be very hard to break free of but is easily identified by noticing that everything is someone else’s fault.
Having my guard up all the time just meant that I felt it was always necessary to be on guard because I was living in fear. Living life in fear breeds frustration, anger, aggression and depression amongst other emotions that are all crippling in their own way. These feelings are symptoms of dis-ease and if left unchecked will breed disease.
I do get to change the pattern and the first step for me was recognizing that there is a pattern to begin with. I can be a loving brother and maybe even a father someday but before any of those are an option I have to be honest with myself and learn to love myself. Learning to appreciate myself is definitely going to be a life-long journey which I am hoping will only get better with time. We are all on our own paths through life it just took me a while to start making my own decisions on which way to go. the other option is always available, letting someone else decide what I should do and then blaming them when it doesn’t work out.
The relationship I have always wanted to be filled with love, trust and honesty is the relationship I have with myself. Every moment is another opportunity to be that which I want to be and I am the only one standing in my way.