Day 29, Exploring pot pt.2

I had made the plan to dissect my feelings throughout the process of smoking weed to decipher if there is really any value for me in it or not. I used the same process during my transition from a pack a day cigarette smoker to a non-smoker several years ago with great success. For becoming a non-smoke I read the book “Allen Carr’s, the easy way to quit smoking” and I followed the process that was prepared there. I read the book over two days during which I continued to smoke a pack a day while paying attention to all aspects of smoking. I finished the book in the afternoon of the second day and chose to smoke until bed that night, then like a butterfly rising from its cocoon I arose a non-smoker the next morning.  I remember having a couple mild cravings while at work in the following couple days and went outside to do some deep breathing for a couple mins to deal with it. a couple years later during some dark times I picked up a pack of smokes and smoked for two – three days before happily throwing them away and knowing full well that I will never have the urge to smoke cigarettes again.

There is one major difference between smoking marijuana and cigarettes to me and that is, cigarettes offer no benefit except relief from their own withdrawal whereas pot has a lasting “high” which offers temporary beneficial effects for both body and mind. My perspective goes like this: pot has the effect of moving my physical and emotional baseline so that I am less sensitive in both aspects. Imagine that I am a cup filled with physical sensations and mental sensations with the most acute of them being on the bottom of the cup, weed fills my cup so I become unaware of the things under the surface thus providing a temporary barrier to pain, hurt etc.

There are side effects for me, the greatest of these are, laziness, munchies and the moment the effects begin to fade the desire to smoke more because all of those feelings start rising to the surface again. the laziness comes from the muffling effect that pot has on me which suppresses feeling’s, sensations and energy. The munchies I believe can be related most to the need to fill the void that is left as the pot wears off, this can be countered by maintaining the high by smoking more pot. Pot is not inherently addictive like nicotine in cigarettes is, that said it is safe for me to say , I find it much more attractive to maintain the high than to let it fade away and face reality again. This effect is no different than with any other painkiller (booze, pills, drugs). The root of the issue then lies not with the substance but instead with the reason for consuming it meaning the issue is not external but internal.

There is an argument to be made for the difference between smoking pot and eating edibles. Consuming edibles does avoid the issues that arise from smoking anything ( coughing, congestion, dry mouth), the effect of edibles tends to be more of a body high than head high although the same numbing feeling is still applied. I have considered switching to edibles because it would be a lot easier on my lungs and throat while still providing a solid high. Edibles tend to last longer and often last into the following morning for me( I make strong edibles)

I have made the choice to no longer smoke marijuana as the negative effects outweigh the positives for me. I have been using pot for years to hide from my own emotions instead of facing them and dealing with my issues. I still consider marijuana as a viable painkiller that I would consider eating if/when I am in great physical pain again or in a group setting just for the experience.  All painkillers can have a positive effect towards healing until the point is reached when they are used to mask their own side effects, the birth of addiction.

It has been over two weeks now since I smoked the last of my weed and I have noticed a few changes: I have been coughing a lot as my body tries to expel the buildup in my lungs( this has eased off over time), my appetite has been reduced in general, My need to consume sugar is greatly reduced (with no void to fill from the weed wearing off), I have more consistent energy levels throughout the day, I am thirsty for water more than before, my mouth and lips especially are more moist, My mind is sharper and works faster and I can feel all of my emotions full strength. I can even feel my teeth(how weird is that)

I am a sensitive person so the result of losing my defensive buffer (pot) has been some very strong and distinct feelings, some of which have taken me by surprise and had me looking for something to numb them as an initial reaction. The value that I have found in experiencing my emotions at full power is worth far more than the temporary relief offered by pot or other painkillers. Feeling the full force of my emotions still catches me off guard sometimes which is of great value when my goal is to unearth those beliefs that I hold which no longer serve me.

I have been angrier, more frustrated, more depressed, more hopeful and more loving in the last couple weeks all of which have been very useful in ferreting out my personal issues. It has not been easy in any regard as the work required to find relief from these emotions has meant tearing open old scars to reveal the shrapnel hidden below. I have found relief and have become more confident in my ability to do so again moving forward. It has been an in-valuable time for me to put theory into practice and alter my own reality. I am under no illusion that my work is finished nor that I will ever run out of things to improve on but I have discovered the joy in finding relief from my burdens.

I no longer wish to inhale anything other than air into my lungs as I really enjoy being able to take a deep breath without coughing or feeling phlegm flapping around in my lungs. Taking these deep breaths brings a feeling of life and energy to my body as I can only assume I am filled with oxygen.

Today I feel more alive, alert, flexible(mentally) and hopeful for my future, armed with a greater understanding of myself and the tools to elicit change in my own perspective(reality)

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