I was at work today as I have been each Wednesday for the last month or so to do inventory for a couple of hours when my boss asked me to stay longer to help answer the phones. I felt like I had to deal with my issue right then and there so I began writing I will copy what I wrote at work below.
[[[[ So it begins, my boss wants me to stay after the inventory today to do phone work. I immediately have the urge to make up an excuse why I cannot stay because talking on the phone is the last thing that I want to do. I feel resentment towards her for holding my need of money over my head. I have anger towards myself for needing the money in the first place. Answering phones was never supposed to be a part of my job here. As my position here has evolved into something that I do not like, my resentment has blossomed.
How can I release this weight/ resistance that I feel?
It feels like the walls are closing in around me and my vision is narrowing. This does not feel good at all.
Why do I have an aversion to answering phones? I have less information with which to control my environment when talking over the phone. (body language and facial expressions mostly)
As it stands, if I want a paycheck from this employer or WCB I have to play by their rules. The same as living under someone else’s roof and having to follow the house rules. It is what it is and it is only temporary. It may be temporary but it stills feels like I am held against my will. This must mean that I hold a belief/value that has me trapped. I cannot be trapped on the outside without first feeling trapped on the inside. So what belief or value am I holding onto that no longer serves me??
What do I believe that makes me feel trapped??
Loyalty?? What is loyalty?? Loyalty is the idea of sticking by someone or something regardless of the circumstances. (I was originally hired because of my loyalty to my former employer until they closed the doors) This is a flawed premise that requires ignoring my own guidance so as to remain loyal. By this logic loyalty is a fault of mine and so the resentment I feel is likely due in part to my value of loyalty. Loyalty has become my prison. ]]]]
That was the conversation I had with myself during the ten minutes between the time I was asked to stay longer and the time I started answering the phones. I instantly felt some relief just knowing that my resentment was really directed at myself and not my employer or my job. My situation did not change but my attitude sure did as I felt humbled and empowered by my realization.
I was once described by someone close to me as being loyal to fault and now I can see what that really means. Remaining loyal to someone else even to my own detriment was something that I had put value in, the result is feeling trapped by my own ideal. As it has been my habit to blame others for my misfortune or circumstances it only makes sense to blame others for my feeling trapped as well. This attitude of blaming others only serves to victimize myself and create more resentment that would then be directed at whomever I felt victimized by. The moment I took responsibility for my own feelings I felt relief and the walls no longer seemed to be closing in on me along with my vision.
I have been finding more and more evidence that my issues that appear to be outside of my control are in fact directly within my control. I may not have fixed my issues but I can feel that I am on the right track now.