Day 27, Job 2

I received an email with my returning to work schedule for next week and I hit a brick wall emotionally just like when I found out I was going back to work. I just wasn’t walking as fast as last time because I released some of my resistance to the idea.  I am now feeling a lot of anxiety and resentment towards my job : Anxiety from my thoughts about how much I hate it and all of the things about my job that I do not like, Resentment because my job is making me feel this way. The anxiety is only because I am thinking about experiences that I don’t want to have and the resentment is because I have not taken responsibility for my part in this. How can I ease these negative feelings and find relief?

I know that if I do nothing about how I feel before I go back that my experience will be just as shitty if not more so than before. My choices are these, change nothing and go around in circles, ignore or muffle my feelings and go in circles or find a way to release this resistance that I feel toward my job. I am going to figure out how to find relief this time because I am tired of the pattern. I no longer want to numb myself to the point where I can’t tell that I am miserable just so I can continue making money to pay for the goods that keep me numb.

I am an assistant manager at my workplace and as such I have many responsibilities some of which I personally do not agree with which of course causes conflict. When this conflict rears its ugly head I can either speak my mind and possibly risk my employment or I can suppress my beliefs and do my job. If I suppress my own beliefs I am left with resentment towards my job and the task involved but I get to keep making money. So why not just speak my mind? Fear, that I might not be able to find another avenue for me to earn an income. So really it is my own fear of what might happen that I am using as an excuse to not only feel bad but also to suppress myself. I just have to not think about the future and stay present in the moment. that sounds all well and good but isn’t bringing me a feeling of relief.

Perhaps the issue is more specific than I am thinking. Why do I feel dirty about up-selling or reminding the staff to upsell to customers?  Pressuring anyone to do anything does not feel good to me.

Is it the Drama that permeates that environment? I can direct my attention well enough to not allow the drama to influence me so that’s not it.

Is it the loud music and hundreds of screaming children and asshole parents? sometimes this gets to me but only if I am already off-balance.

Do I feel trapped because of loyalty? this is an interesting thought, I do place value in the idea of loyalty, but why? What is loyalty? I will think on this for a while.

My position does require me to handle certain situations in ways that I know only fuel the fire. for example, we only offer some discounts and special pricing to parents that get upset or pressure us for a deal, I know that this is the same thing as giving a kid that is having a temper tantrum what he wants and encouraging him to do it again.  I cannot and do not feel good about encouraging this type of behavior especially in parents that will then teach their children this approach to life. This is a major conflict of interests  for me. The company policy is to make the customer happy no matter what. In my eyes this policy is extremely flawed and I have not been able to find a way of thinking about it that I feel good about.

I do feel somewhat better now that I have identified that my problem does not include every aspect of my job. My current job is only temporary and will not last forever.



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