Day 22, JP 12

page 12

[[[What traits do I appreciate most?  Honesty, Trust

These are what I Want to Represent in myself. I Want  to be honest about how I feel and trust in my feelings. My loyalty is to myself. Nothing is more important that That I feel good. To feel good I must be true to my-self. To be true to my-self I must get to know my-self.

This is where I am at now. I’m getting to Know my-self one day at a time. Today I learned What has more value to me than anything else. Self-Honesty. Everything else is tainted.]]]

This page is something I could have written yesterday as I  have basically come full circle to the same realization again. Over time in the workplace and through living my life I began to put more value in others opinions than my own which has allowed me to lose sight of my goals.  I often have to repeat a mistake before I can see the pattern and exactly where the correction has to be made.

I have been getting to know myself and  it has been through self-honesty that I have unearthed many tainted values that I had. Something has come to  mind that was hinted to me yesterday, It has to do with jumping to the answer without doing the work. The best example in my life was in math class: All of the math problems were worth 2 points each , one for the work and one for the answer. I could do the work in my head which allowed me to finish really fast and get it over with. The cost of losing the one mark for each problem didn’t matter to me as much as getting it done did.

This idea that the answer is more important than the work to get it has led me into many problems in my life. It seems trivial but I never learned to appreciate the work involved which translated to me only placing value on finishing things and quickly. There is satisfaction in completing a task but its nothing compared to how much satisfaction can be had during the process if I learn to appreciate it. Looking back now, I was always in such a hurry to get it done or arrive at my destination that everything in between felt like a burden. This inevitably led to life itself feeling like a burden and with me wanting to reach the end as fast as possible.

This might be another aspect of how I decided to deal with emotional pain, if it cant catch me I don’t have to face it. I found great pride in being quick of mind and feet for many years until I could no longer run fast and I ran into  problems that I could not solve quickly. Once I was faced with something that I could not learn fast or do fast I would lose interest and move to something new. only in the past few years have I learned to put some time and effort into something (mostly strategic video games). The amount of effort that was required brought on much anger and frustration I think because I was still focused on the end result.

More recently, in the past six months I have had the pleasure of playing card games and board games with someone who is more determined and able to win each time. This has been a blessing for me as I was presented with a choice, either I could learn to enjoy playing the game and losing or I could get really mad and depressed a lot. I have learned how to enjoy playing the game even if I don’t win which has allowed me to play differently and from time to time win through unexpected means.

In placing all of the value on the victory I de-value all of the growth, joy and adventure that exists in the journey thus denying myself so much value from my own life experience. Is faster better? I am now leaning towards saying NO to that.

Flashback to the story of the tortoise and the hare. I can remember always idolizing the hare and justifying it because I would know better than ignore the race. I see now how it was more of a life lesson all along, slow and steady wins the race.

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