Day 21, Job

I have been off work for just over 2 months now with a broken foot that I broke on the job. Today I received an email that I am to be returning to work soon as my employer is willing to transport me to and from work. the moment I read those words it felt like I slammed into a brick wall and I even considered rebreaking my foot just to not go back.  It’s pretty clear to me at this moment why each time I return to full-time work I return to drinking everyday and using drugs to numb the pain of my daily life. I have a huge resistance built up to this I am at this moment having a very hard time thinking anything positive about my situation.

There are some things about my job that a like and many,  many more that I do not like. The list of things that I don’t enjoy has been growing under new management and my stress about contributing to something that I don’t believe in has been mounting. There is a pattern here that I have seen before which happens with every job I have. In the beginning when everything is new and stimulating I enjoy the challenge until the day comes when I find it boring and repetitive. Being that I usually learn quickly this usually takes about 3 months  unless the job is extremely technical.

I find it extremely hard to do tasks that go against my own set of morals such as pressure sales or simply how the company wants things handled in some customer service interactions. Unless I am subduing my feelings with drugs/ alcohol I have no problem speaking my mind to my employers which has resulted in some rough situations and also some surprising ones, I once became my bosses favorite while doing a job that I despised with my very being simply because I did not sugar coat anything.

I am feeling better now that I have taken some time to realize that my initial response was based on my assumption that all of the worst things will happen when I go back. I do not know how it will be as I am not the same person as I was when I left. I am going to have to deal with my work issues one at a time as they come up. Trying to figure it all out now is pointless and will only serve to stress me out before I even go back.

I want a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, clothes on my body and food to eat. Until I figure out another way, I need money to have these things. One day I might figure out how to manifest money without going to a job that I don’t like but until then at least I have a job where I can go and exchange work for money. I just wish I could feel like I was actually doing something of real value or meaning to me. I want to find meaning or purpose in the thing I spend so much time doing and that is lacking currently. I only go to work because I want the money, I am expected to be exuberant and outgoing while doing something I  don’t care about and that I can no longer do.

My goal for my return to work is to be honest with everyone including my bosses, co-workers, underlings and customers no matter the consequences. I have to be true to myself or I am just a whore selling myself for money.

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