[[[ This feels like a deep wound That Was never allowed to heal. It will heal if I allow it too. How can I better allow my healing? Appreciate life as I live it. I suppose that by foregoing all of the pleasures of the world, I Will Find what truly drives me. I Will Reveal the hidden truth within myself. What drives me? What do I want? What is my deepest desire? What do I want to be known for? What is more important? What is most important to me? ]]]
Well I as right for once about it being a deep wound that didn’t heal. Only recently within the past week have I been able to face the strength of my old pain. It has been 5 years give or take a week or two since I wrote this page in my journal. I had the answer already figured out and on paper but I had not done the work involved yet. “Appreciate life as I live it” seems easy enough as long as everything goes my way lol. Learning to appreciate when things don’t go my way has been the tough part and I still struggle with this on a daily basis.
Each time I have found myself getting frustrated or upset, (and I want to make a difference) I ask why I am bothered by this at all? The answer is almost always that things are not going the way I think they should go. This is when my static beliefs or values rear their ugly head which leads to me making a choice. Do I make the effort to change my belief to allow for this to be less frustrating or do I stick by my belief and try to change the situation. Often it seems easier and faster to make physical changes to appease myself and it will work this time, the problem that I run into is that a similar situation will arise because of my value/belief and might even be a bigger problem. This is another pattern that I have been making an effort to be aware of and make the changes to my values instead of requiring my reality to change for me.
A simple example of the above point would be: While driving the person in front of me in traffic turns without using their signal. If I believe that everyone should follow the RULES of the road equally then the fact that this person feels differently would probably irritate me. I could run them down and let them know what I think or honk to try and make them change their ways. The truth is that the reason in this instance that I am upset is not because of what they have done but in fact is because of what I believe they should have done. I am using my belief as my excuse to get angry when I could just as easily choose not to be upset. This requires the ability to look inward instead of outward for solutions. This takes practice and I will be practicing this until the day I die.
I will admit that I can have a flair for the dramatic from time to time as my statement to Forgo all of the pleasures of the world. I still had a bed and running water and even a tv to watch, I was extremely short on food and cash. My desire has always been the same, to be happy. The interesting part has been over the years discovering how many things that I used to think made me happy that no longer matter to me. I have been able to root out the false values that I held onto one at a time which I will continue to do as I find more and even as I create more.
I am going to answer my own questions from 5 years ago.
What drives me? Pain, I am driven to be rid of pain because I have it.
What do I want? Happiness, or that feeling when all the pain is gone.
What is my deepest desire? Happiness
What do I want to be known for? Honesty
What is more important? Feeling good, only if I am feeling good will my actions bear edible fruit.
What is most important to me? That I am able to be honest enough to put my happiness first.
If I am miserable I can only spread misery, if I am in pain I can only spread more pain, If I am calm then I can spread calm, if I am happy then I can spread happiness.