Day 19, Mortality

Over the last few days I have been extremely emotional to the point of balling my eyes out while writing to my Mother and Brother about myself. I think it was the feeling of relief associated with both releasing the burden of hiding myself(which I was only fooling myself about that according to my Mom lol) and of being honest with myself.  There has been a unexpected side effect of these events that hit home yesterday. My view of reality has shifted to a more balanced and neutral perspective.

Last night while lying in bed I became acutely aware of my heart and how real it is, It (my heart) never takes a break and if it does my body will fail. This idea of how frail my body really is sunk in fast and was followed by panic. The panic I felt was from the thought that my heart might stop at anytime and that frightened me, It also caused my heart-rate to increase and that did nothing to ease my concerns. It took me a few minutes to calm down and ease my fears.

It is possible that I could die tomorrow and it is also a possibility that I will live for many more years to come. I have lived for many years holding onto the idea that” I might die tomorrow, so I should make today as good as I can” This idea has led me to make a great many short sighted decisions that have resulted in me not only being alive the following day but worse off than I was the day before. Today I am seeing it this way “I might die tomorrow, I want to enjoy my life”.  The difference between the two statements is palpable. The first line is the same in both, the truth of it if you will, ” I might die tomorrow”. “so I should make today as good as I can” this line comes from a place of forcing today to be the best day because of the fear that tomorrow wont come. “I want to enjoy my life” is coming from wanting to be happy which is truth for everyone I have ever known. There is a big difference in the scale of these statements as well,  the first is short sighted focused on today only and the second is broadly focused on the rest of my life(however long it might be).

This is the first time in my life I can remember truly excepting my own mortality and the reality of it. This is a very humbling day for me as I seem to be able to see the reality of my life much more clearly than I could before. It feels like I removed my own imposed blinders thus allowing my field of view to open. This body is miraculous in its function and design, the sensations are visceral and exciting. I have this body to have and to hold,  until death do us part, perhaps I should be nicer to it 🙂

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