Day 17, Hindsight.

I am emotional. Lately I have been noticing some very strong reactions in myself in regards to my family, my Mom especially. The strength of my emotional response indicates that this is a big deal for me and I want to get to the bottom of it. Why am I afraid to share who I am with my family?

Based on my knowledge of their rigid religious beliefs, I do not think that my family will except me for who I am. I feel as though I will be judged based on the rigid guidelines presented in the bible( My close family are very spiritual, Aside from me their spirituality lies within the realm of man-made religion). In my mind I see it playing out like it did for Jesus and the Romans with me playing the part of Jesus (the one with the outlandish ideas) and my family the Romans ( society built on laws and control). My beliefs threaten their own beliefs and thus makes me the devil.  [Make no mistake , there is value in the bible. Like every great lie it has seeds of truth planted throughout. the truth within it has been twisted by man in an effort to gain control of his environment.]

If I never open up to them, then I will never have to risk being rejected by them. The idea of being rejected by my family feels like being torn apart from inside( feels the same as if I rejected myself).  That pain is something I Never want to feel again even though right now I can see how that pain has shaped my life from an early age. I would do anything to avoid that feeling even denying myself in the process which funnily enough is basically the same thing.

Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. This is true only if I am right about what I think will happen and to be honest, I am often wrong ( my new favorite line). I have to find the courage to give them the opportunity to make their own choices and to accept them for who they are, just as I want to be accepted for who I am.

As a boy I held a lot of anger inside and it spilled out everywhere, I was bullied and a bully, I fought, stole, destroyed things and was caught and punished for my actions. I learned to be increasingly sneaky so as to avoid the consequences associated with my deeds. My parents were the ones charged with disciplining me and as such we grew apart because I required a fair bit of discipline. In the same way that a dog who gets in trouble for shitting on the floor will learn to shit behind the sofa where you cant see it, I learned to hide my deeds better.

The summer after grade 6 we moved to a new city and a fresh start, for me this meant that no one knew my history and I could be anyone I wanted to be. In an effort to blend in I kept myself (my pain) hidden from view behind the mask I learned to wear. This is where I get to drop a Batman metaphor, The mask that batman wears is the face of Bruce Wayne just as I wore the mask of Colin Wilson to hide my true identity. From time to time events would transpire that would crack my façade and the darkness would creep out. I spent the rest of school mastering the art of deception and learning to control my emotions so that I would not be revealed.

I learned not only how to blend in to almost any crowd but also how to make other people happy in the short term and as long as I kept them at arms length. I never let anyone get too close or they might see past my disguise and see what lies beneath. I can see now that this is why I have always kept a small circle of friends as it is easier to control the situation when there are fewer variables.

Part of my deception required that I do what normal people do, have a career, get married etc. This would be impossible to do without getting close to at least one person, and I could not risk showing what was behind my mask. I have always been good at solving problems and this was no different. I would have to sell the mask as my real self, that is a tall order except that I realized it is only a lie if I don’t believe it. I remember learning that some people could beat a lie detector by controlling their body and mind and I realized how simply it really is. To sell the lie it could not be a lie, it had to be my truth and I had to believe it.

Colin Bogelund was reborn a baptized Christian good boy at the age of 17( I think I  was 17). I expanded my social circle and did my best to fit in. Over time I began to rot from the inside and developed this darkness within, which really had always been there, I had chosen to lock it away and forget it. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can see clearly now the reasons why I chose to do things the way I did. My whole life was built on a lie that I had chosen to believe as real in an effort to fit in because of my fear of rejection.

At this moment I feel an odd sense of calm. Its like looking everywhere for my keys and not being able to find them, so I look harder and faster, working into a panic until I give up and when finally relaxing, notice that I have been clutching my keys the whole time.

 

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