Day 15, Journal page 8

journal page 8

Just incase anyone out there is not able to read whatever this chicken with a pen wrote down I will type it out below.

[[ I want my desire for joy to outweigh my desire for everything else.

my desire for Food,                                                                                                                            my desire for money                                                                                                                         my desire for Respect                                                                                                                            my desire for trust                                                                                                                             my desire for home

My desire for joy and passion is of more value.

I am afraid.

It would seen that after being burned a few times I have become Scared of the stove.

If I don’t love my heart can’t be broken.

I am afraid of being hurt again so I Won’t allow myself to love.

Every Rule and control in my life is self-imposed to guard my feelings.

I have to Find my courage to understand my fear. ]]

In a lot of ways this blog is my new journal( I have been looking for a new one for some time but haven’t found one I like, I haven’t really looked that hard) I still have the desire for joy to be paramount in my life because without joy/happiness/satisfaction all of the other aspects of my life are hollow and meaningless.

I was afraid at the time that I had been too badly burned for the scars to ever heal. Each time I had been hurt emotionally the damage just added up on top because I never allowed the original wounds to heal. My fear came from the understanding that I could not experience love without being open to it and I was unable to open myself too love because of the pain I was holding onto. I was filled with doubt that I would ever be able to feel whole again.

The statement ” if I don’t love then my heart cannot be broken” is true. At the same time if I don’t love then my life will be without meaning and not worth living. This is a vicious cycle as each time I something slipped past my guard and hurt a little I would erect more walls for protection. This only resulted in me holding more and more pain inside the walls I was erecting.

I was able to take responsibility for my own hand in this process as I am the only one that can do anything about it.

The love the last line on this page ” I Have to find my courage to understand my fear”. What that means to me is this: In order to know what I am afraid of, I have to be willing to feel my fear and explore it. Terrifying.  What am I afraid of?. At the time of this journal page I am pretty confident that I was afraid of being rejected or unwanted which resulted in my not giving anyone the chance to make that decision.

Today I can say that I feel fear whenever I imagine something that I really don’t want and I believe that its within my realm of possibility. To be more specific I am afraid of having an unwanted source insert itself into my life ( like a parasite that burrows under the skin) My rational mind tells me this can only happen if I give my attention to things I do not want( as per the law of attraction). So how can I ever actually feel fear if I am in control of my thoughts? Perhaps the idea that something can insert itself into my life against my will is where the fear comes from.

The idea or thought “I am not in control of myself” is false. No one else gets to guide my thoughts except me and my thoughts determine my reality therefore I am in control of my reality. notice that I said MY REALITY instead of reality. Together we share this space but the space reacts differently to each of us based on our vibration or signal, which by the way makes this life completely fair for everyone. I am now and forever the only being that can get in my way. So then how do I get out of my own way? I can get out of my own way by understanding myself and exploring the depths of my own mind as there is nothing that holds more sway over myself than myself.

I have noticed that the more I consume things to make me feel better the more I rely on things outside myself to feel better. That causes me to doubt myself and my own thoughts thus placing more importance on outside influence which results in dependency and fearful thoughts creeping in. Just another cycle of self destruction that for some reason seems like a good idea at the time.

What if there is nothing wrong or bad about feeling less than good?

Without that bad feeling I would never know when I am pointed in the direction of things I don’t want to experience. That “bad” feeling is my compass telling me that I am going towards something that I do not want to experience. Alternatively those good feelings are my internal compass saying that I am headed in the way that will allow for more good feelings. If my feelings are my best guide then anything that masks/hides or diminishes my feeling is contributing to my getting lost. unless my desire is to get lost , each thing I do to dull my senses should feel like a bad idea unless I have already locked in a belief that it is good.

A perfect example of this would be my belief that “weed makes everything better”. Fact is that weed does not make everything better. If I feel good then weed dulls the feeling good just as much as it dulls the feeling bad when I feel bad. It kind of like wearing a condom vs not wearing a condom, one way allows for greater sensation and perhaps more risk and the other provides protection at the expense of sensation.  I guess the question is ” do I want a visceral life experience or do I want to have a safe life experience?”



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