This is a fun page, the top bit is actually the last few lines from the previous entry. The “maybe it’s all a lie” is me referring to the law of attraction and using my emotions as a guide. I was feeling pretty down and its of no surprise that I would doubt everything at this point. If I was to do what I am told all the time then I would make a lot of other people (temporarily) happy, but it would be at the expense of my own life. Then I return to reason “Fuck That!!” :).
The below part of this page is me pretty drunk and feeling good as I can tell by how amazing my writing is. for that reason I will transcribe it below.
[I Went out tonight! thank Ho(you?) Jessica + Jane + Rob. I can’t Thank you enough. My First time OUT! in many years. I Was Cold and really out-of-my-element at first. I had fun and learned a bit about myself. Jess…. I Love you. Who you are. you are beautiful. don’t change for anyone. thankyou everyone for an awesome night.. Thank You…]
I do remember that night or at least parts of it. We went to a movie screening/comedy show and smuggled in drinks. About every 2 minutes you could hear an empty can roll down the floor under the seats and come to a stop at the front of the stage. We were far from the only ones that brought our own beverages that night lol.
I did run into some challenges that night however, small talk. I can bullshit my way through small talk if I really want to, that’s the rub though. I hate talking just for the sake of talking and I feel like I am disrespecting someone to talk about things that mean nothing to me. Given my situation at the time I was also feeling extra self-conscious being homeless and broke. I decided that I really had nothing to lose to just be honest about my opinions and perspective. Having few or so drinks can certainly help with confidence in the short term too. So I was able to relax a bit and meet some new people.
Overall this night was extremely beneficial for me because I got to step out of my Comfort zone(if I even had one) and have a good time in a crowded environment( I don’t generally like crowds). One of the best parts about this night was that I got to hang out with people who didn’t judge me, which allowed me to relax and be me, that’s why I was so thankful. Sometimes situations seem bad or uncomfortable and it has nothing to do with the situation and everything to do with my perspective.
The next page in my journal is pretty short so I am going to add it in here.
The image is a bit blurry but it reads: “I was a good actor. Hell I pretended to be happy for years”
If I ever doubt my ability to do something well I just have to remember the above statement. It is almost scary how much I fell into the role I created for myself. I put on a mask to fit in and over time I forgot that I was wearing a mask because I had to wear it from morning to night. I still catch myself telling “white” lies to people from time to time just to avoid conflict. The major difference is that now I recognize it and either correct what I said or catch myself before I lie even if it comes with consequences. I realized that pretending to be something I am not is exhausting and offers me no real benefit in life.
I had the opportunity to sit in at an AA(alcoholics anonymous) a little while ago to support a close friend of mine that was 1 year sober. I couldn’t help but notice that all of those people were dealing with some heavy burdens (misaligned values) But they were more REAL to me than the majority of people I have met in my lifetime. They were, many of them broken, but they weren’t trying to hide it. If I am not willing to show my true colors then I will never be able to express myself. I now find more value is real people than I do in fake ones, even if the fake ones are rich and popular.