This entry was right after I came back from the cabin in the woods. I was able to stay at my father-in-law’s house under construction as long as I was helping to construct. It was actually a pretty amazing thing to go from a mattress on the floor in a cabin full of bugs, to waking up in a brand new king bed looking out through massive bedroom windows over kootenay lake. It felt like I was a anchorless boat adrift in the ocean and I just happened to beach on a tropical island.
The first step in making change is too take stock of where I am. a real honest look at my own life can be very informative. I don’t think I was completely aware of just how badly I was feeling as I was quite unfamiliar with using emotions as my guide, even after practicing for roughly 3 years. I am where I am, in this case no money, no food, no home, and not a lot of hope. Basically this could be considered rock bottom but for me it wasn’t quite yet.
I don’t even remember signing the separation agreement but it was a physical manifestation of the separation between myself and my wife, which was very real. I was able to appreciate all of the luxuries that were available to me in the suite(under construction). Running water, shower , bed, couch TV and movies. Aside from not having food I was living the dream lol. I was able to cheer myself up a bit by focusing on the nice things around but still fell back to the bleakness of how I really felt.
I felt alone and scared. I was filled with doubt and uncertainty. Trapped in my own confused mind and looking for something to ground myself with. Sometimes when you look into your own reflection you will not like what you find as what you find will most likely be exactly what you have been pushing against.