I will type it out as it may be hard to read. One thing I noticed as I looked through this journal previously was that my writing style changes from time to time.
-Abundant -Tasty -Fruits -Meat – Breads – Dairy -Good -Crutch -Addiction -Misalignment -Variety -Sustenance -beautiful -Plentiful -Shared -Pleasure
The first page of my journal was all about Control and the things I felt were linked to control. One of the items on that list is food. I am not too surprised that page 2 was about food seeing as how I was almost out of food.
Food is essential for our lives and can therefore be a very powerful motivator. Food can also be used to control people. If you can control the food then you can control the population. At this time I was making every effort to remove from my life all things that could be used as leverage over me. I can live happily without a lot of things except food and water. Thankfully for me I live in BC Canada and we have lots of fresh water. One thing I learned was that I can live on a lot less food than I had previously thought.
Food is another thing that had been corrupted in my life. I would eat when bored or tired or if it was tasty. I would chow down on everything in sight once the munchies hit me from smoking pot. Food had become more about making me feel better than feeding me. This is what I meant by food being corrupted, its the idea of foods purpose that had been mixed up. I was using food the same way I would use painkillers or drugs/alchohol. Food on its own is neither good nor bad, The reason I consume it means everything.
I was able to change my ideas around food so that when I ran out I did not panic, I was able to get a handful of plums or prunes or something each day and several times over the next couple months went 3+ days without any food. I did find my energy level was low and I took a nap everyday. During this time I was doing physical labor for around 3 hrs a day plus walks/hikes. The upside for me was that I didn’t feel controlled by my hunger.
On page 3 I wrote out some questions that I wanted to ask myself at a later date. the answers to the questions are from roughly 4 years later. 1. aug 2017 2. Mar 2018
How deep does the control go? 1. to my core 2. I have no control
How can I release control? 1. Surrender to the flow 2. Follow the feeling of relief
How can I free my mind? 1. Clear my mind 2.Feel my way free
How can I be more flexible? 1. Stretch my limits 2. Test my beliefs
How can I have more fun? 1. enjoy the ride 2.Take chances
How can I have more money? 1. Find my value 2. Be richer 🙂
Where does my passion lay? Adventure in life 2018
These are some very interesting questions I was asking. How deep does the control go? What I really want to know is how deep do I have to dig to get past the my own corrupted beliefs. Well I answered honestly I think, To my core. I didn’t realize what that meant at the time and I still might not grasp the full scope. It means that everything I am is built upon a lie.
How can I release control? The idea that I can control anything outside my own mind is a lie to begin with. Accepting that I have no control is the first step to letting the current take me. I can tell when the current takes me because it feels like relief(taking a load off).
How can I free my mind? My mind is already free unless I shackle it myself. So if I have shackled my mind, I then have to source the misaligned ideas that make me Feel restricted.
How can I be more flexible? Stretch lol. I have found Yoga to be a good method of stretching both mind and body in the month I was practicing before I broke my foot 🙂
How can I have more fun? Enjoy the ride is a pretty blanket statement that I am sure I read somewhere before. I have had success with doing the things that cause me to smile and laugh more. I have been having a great time this past week playing board games with friends instead of playing solo video games in my room. There is definitely value in terms of fun to be had playing with others vs solo play. Choosing my activities based on fun or joy instead of rank or stature is having a pretty good impact on my fun level.
How can I have more money? Straightening out some misaligned beliefs that I hold will save money on consumables for sure. I have noticed a correlation between my general mood and the amount of money I have access to, Once I am broke I cannot afford my vices and then have to deal without them. Time without my vices usually has me feeling better after a short time(Short but shitty) and then when the money shows up I head for the vices that will “make me feel even better” Me having more money just might not have anything to do with money directly.
Where does my Passion Lay? This is my big question. I have been searching for what passion feels like and/or means to me personally for a few years now. So far I have only been able to follow the trail of good vibes left behind by the elusive feeling: PASSION. What does it mean? and what does it feel like? I know Desire, I know Love, I know Lust. Perhaps Passion is the feeling during an outpouring of love. I am not sure and I will update if and or when I figure it out.
What am I passionate about? I like order, I also like chaos.
Perhaps my passion is Self-discovery.