Something interesting happened a couple nights ago while I was meditating. Once I had cleared my mind I chose to think this thought ” I Colin Reade Bogelund see and draw to me through divine love those beings that seek enlightenment through my process, the sharing will elevate us both now.” I have said that phrase so many times without truly understanding the meaning. It became clear to me just what it meant the other night and I have visuals to help me understand.
It’s an invitation to all beings alive or dead( reference to spirits/souls) that would like to take part in my journey for both their benefit and mine. I used to think I was just talking to spirits, now I realize that it is so much more powerful than that. Its like sending out an invitation to the world and only the people/spirits that are a good fit actually receive the invitation. I look at where I am in my life, my surroundings, and I realize that it has been working this whole time. I am surrounded by people that can benefit from my journey and I can benefit from them being in my life. Amazing.
The same night when I was all fuzzy feeling and in-tune with myself I had the urge to share this process with my family and close friends. I don’t think I have ever opened up completely to anyone about what I think of feel. I have always shared portions of my story with different people and now looking back if you were to piece together everything I have shared it might give the whole picture. Truth is I am afraid to be vulnerable and sharing the full truth of my story to any one person scares the shit out of me.
In the past I had learned that sharing the whole truth usually meant I would get in trouble. I learned that telling partial truths or lies with a hint of truth was generally enough to have someone believe me. When I have shared my way of thinking or my process I have run into people who don’t understand and would get angry or say I was crazy and should be locked up. These instances only served to reinforce my doubt that was always lingering in the background. I have claimed to value honesty above all else for years now and only recently have I realized that I am not always honest with myself.
In court you have to promise to tell the truth , THE WHOLE TRUTH. This can be very challenging for someone that habitually tells themselves partial truths and believes them. There is no gray area when dealing with personal truth, either it is or it isn’t.
The morning after I have the meditation awakening I was and am filled with much doubt about sharing the blog with family and friends. It would be the first time that I can think of me being completely open and honest with the world. Really scary stuff. I will share what I have here when I feel good about doing it.
There is a lot of potential support from my family and friends that could be extremely helpful to me and honestly it would be nice to feel like part of the family again. My Sister in-law is a journalist who could probably give me tips. My Brother is a pastor, I am sure he and I could have some very enlightening talks. My Mom Is a college professor and has done editing for people. I have friends that suffer from addiction, depression and illness who could either provide me with another perspective or simply benefit from my process. My Step-Dad Is a technological wizard and man of few words, I bet he would have some insights for me as well. The point is that I can see a lot of opportunity for my growth and the growth of people I know around me. So why hesitate? Facing the unknown can be and usually is scary.
The other side of sharing could be(this is my doubt) That I am thought to be crazy or a freak. They might not want to talk to me again or have me around my nieces and nephews. It could be that I am not accepted for who I am and lose people in my life that I love. I could be seen as having beliefs that threaten the Christian beliefs that my family hold so tightly. I could end up in the looney bin because my ideas don’t match those of popular beliefs. These are all things that I don’t want. I believe these things to be within the realm of possibility and so I have doubts / fears / reservations about opening up.
I am faced with a choice, Share now and hope for the best or keep working this around in my head until the positives seem much more likely than the negatives. If I believe the negatives are more likely then I will never feel good about sharing. My work now is to spend time working this topic over in my mind until I find an action that feels good to me. I can tell right now which thoughts feel better than the others and that is a good start.
What I they don’t like me? What if they do like me? Honestly I am not sure which frightens me more. If I don’t let anyone close then no one can really hurt me. on the other hand if I never let anyone close, I will never feel free or truly loved. I will never be able to remove all of the risk of being vulnerable, Maybe the benefits are worth the risk in the end. The juice just might be worth the squeeze.