I do not have a hot topic on my mind to bring up today so I will be taking a look back to the first page of my journal. The journal I am going to look through is mine that I started the day I left my wife. When I walked out the door I had $60, a backpack and a hope. I was unemployed, broke but extremely positive(maybe delusional) A friend of a friend knew some guys that owned some cabins out in the woods and might let me stay for a while. The plan was for me to go back in 2 weeks and go from there. The reason I left was this, My wife wanted me to unconditionally assist her and support her in whatever she wanted to do. The problem was that I did not agree with her approach to many things because she was acting out of fear and insecurity. I knew that following her wants was only going to make things worse. She gave me the ultimatum either I do things her way or leave. I have a predisposition to move against the person making me choose, in this case it was my wife. By this time I was numb to the idea of leaving her but it broke my heart to leave my dog behind( I could not provide for him). I left at month end like the end of a rental agreement and started my new life on sept 1 2013.
I Did meet the guys that had some cabins and they agreed to let me spend the night. We got to know each other enough over the next day that when I asked if I could stay longer they said yes. That was a very scary moment, asking someone who I met the day before if I could stay in their spare room for a couple weeks. I cleaned and did yard maintenance while I was there and they shared some food with me aswell. My $60 didn’t last long as the first day I made a meal for everyone and then I had food ratios for a few more days. Thankfully other people who had stayed before had left canned goods in one of the cupboards and there was a plum tree behind the cabin that had just hit the ripe stage. My last 3 days there I ate nothing but plums lol.
Journal page 1, Can you guess what topic was on my mind on day 1? The list above are all things that I linked to the idea of control, From this list I think its safe to assume that I felt like the entire world was trying to control me. Looking back I think I may have been frustrated because I felt like I had no control. This list was the first step in identifying beliefs that I wanted to change that I maybe wasn’t aware I held. All of the listed items are commonly used to control others by people who seek power over others and some are just synonyms. If I have something that someone else feels they need or have-to-have then I can dictate the terms and I get to be in control. My idea was to relieve my “need” for any and all of the listed items so that no one could control me. I would be uncontrollable or free. All of this obviously was coming from my feeling lack of control in my own life. What has control over you ? if anything.