Day 6 Journal page 1 cont.

I Feel like I can explore the idea of control a bit more. Control might mean something different to each person depending on their perspective. To me Control means having the ability to have something the way I want it. The desire for control always comes from feeling out of control or insecure. I mean when have you ever wanted to control something  that was already under your control? So my approach in life was whenever something made me feel insecure I would take action to change the scenario so I could feel secure.

For example, Lets say that I own a large dog that rushes up to people to greet them. This dog is a Rottweiler which a lot of people are afraid of to begin with and the situation is out of my control( sort of). The actions taken to control the dog could be to have the dog always leashed, muzzled, chained up or build a fence. These are not the only options but are the ones most people would recommend because they make them feel more secure. You can SEE the physical control when you look at it and because its visible it will put others slightly more at-ease. I would look at this at ask why does that dog charge at everyone? why is it so aggressive / loud?  This dog in the example is doing things that an insecure dog would do. It sees everything in the world as a potential threat and charges to meet it maybe even to protect its owner who is insecure and the dog feeds off of that energy.

The above dog belonged to my wife and I. We had 2 rotties, one male and one female. We got my dream dog as a puppy a couple years before she picked her dog. I made up a training schedule for walking/ tricks etc and spent roughly 2 hrs a day training my boy for about 2 years. He was the best behaved bestest boy who knew over 30 tricks and was a true gentleman. 2 years later my Wife had been depressed for a year or so at this point and decided that a puppy would make her happy. I told her it is a bad idea and I do not have the time or energy to train a puppy. I thought I made it clear that I would have nothing to do with a puppy if she brought one home. I did not stop her from getting her puppy.

At this point I was nearly suicidal myself never mind a wife so depressed that she actually did nothing except make more work for me when I got home. This was a recipe for disaster. I will mention here that I now take full responsibility for all my actions and choices that I made at the time. all of this happened before I discovered the law of attraction. So home comes a new puppy, So cute. I refused to train or walk the puppy, I wanted nothing to do with it and she became impossible to ignore. From the beginning this dog was brought into a broken home built on putting up walls to keep the residents safe and secure. Thankfully she had my boy to learn some things from but it was not enough.

Fast forward a couple years and you now have a 2 year old 90 pound female Rottie that has had minimal training and does not get enough exercise besides a small yard and weekly dog park visits. This Rottie has also taken the role of Alpha when I am not around and feels the need to secure the environment so her momma can feel secure. This is a cycle that just gets worse and worse until said dog cannot be taken out in public without a leash at all. Its a fucking tragedy and I had a hand in it. That dog received from myself a lot of anger and resentment for simply being there. In reality all that anger and resentment was directed at myself for not having the balls to just say NO to my wife in  the first place. Me not being able to tell her NO was a common thread throughout our marriage(5 years).

I will say that by the time the dog was 2.5-3 years old I realized I made a huge mistake and I started working with this dog, daily walks sometimes 2 a day including hikes in the forest and a training program similar to what I had done for my boy from the beginning. It was frustrating for me to take her out because I wanted to run through the woods with both dogs off leash but couldn’t I HAD to keep her under control. perhaps the frustrating part was just trying to control something that is out of my control.  The more I controlled her and kept her reigned in the more aggressive she became. If you have ever raised dogs then you probably know that everyone in the house has to treat the dogs the same or they will not change their behavior. In my case I was still the only one trying to fix the issue. my wife must have figured it was just another of her problems that I would fix. I was never able to fix any of her problems just mask them or take the weight of them for myself. This only resulted in me resenting her more and more. Very similar pattern to how I felt about her dog which was also my dog.

Today both of our dogs are happy and healthy as far as I know at least, I see pictures a couple times a year. The female apparently has calmed down with age she is around 8 now I think and my boy 10. It breaks my heart whenever I think of my boy, The decision to leave my dog behind when I left was by far the hardest choice I have ever made. It felt like leaving the best parts of me behind. You see at the end of our marriage things had shifted and I was the one not bringing in much money. My choices were to let my wife control me and stay with my dog or leave and be free without my dog. I could not stay under those conditions. I refused to be controlled, not too surprising then that my first journal entry was about control.

So again I ask, What in your life has control over you and your decisions? if anything. Anytime I use the words need, should , have-to I ask myself why?  Why should I do that?  the reason being that each time I use those words it tells me that its not something I want to do. So If its something I don’t want, what am I using as the reason to do it? In most cases its because someone else wants it done that way and I don’t want to upset them. that’s Fucked up by the way. This leads me to the one and only thing I actually have control over.

Myself. I get to choose how I react and respond to the events in my life. that is the only real control that exists for anyone, everything else is a lie that leads to further insecurity. How can I choose my reactions to something? well its fairly simple to explain but can be challenging to implement. My emotions will bring thoughts to match the emotion but at the same time my thought also decide my emotion both are linked. The secret is this, I CAN CHOOSE WHAT I THINK. As a result I can have control of my emotions. Once this sinks in I realize that no one else can possibly upset me unless I allow it. So then I am responsible for how I feel at all times, This is a very empowering thought.

The majority of confusion when starting to choose my thoughts revolved around beliefs I had that were unbalanced. Basically if you have a preconceived idea of what is right or wrong then you are going to have some work to do to revise those beliefs/values. For example, Lets say I believe that telling someone No when they ask for help is a bad thing. A couple things happen from this belief, 1 I become know as the guy that helps with everything and people love me for it( because I am putting band-aids on their problems for them) 2. I begin to resent everyone that asked me for help because I feel that I have no choice to say no( MY chosen belief is to blame) The end result of this pattern is that I am Always tired and more and more people begin to rely on my efforts and tension builds. In my experience this is a shitty way to live.

It is my belief that we are each able to choose our thoughts and therefore are each responsible for how we feel. that said , How can I then take responsibility for how someone else feels? I Cannot. In fact if I try to take responsibility for someone elses feelings I am only reinforcing the feeling of insecurity in them. therefor The most helpful thing I can ever do for someone else is to do what I want and let them deal with their own issues. This is a rather unpopular idea among the masses of people who want me to make them feel better because they have given up their control.

In conclusion for today, Control over anything other than my own thoughts is an illusion and will foster resentment. Do what feels right to me and let everyone else do what is right for them. I am still working on this because I still feel sorry for how sad some people are. I try to remember only to help someone if its something that I want to do.I refuse to be guilted or shamed into action as it will only reinforce their negative beliefs.

 

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