Day 5, Exploring pot

I am slow to write today as I feel less than great this morning. I do feel somewhat rested but my lungs are clogged with phlem or something like it from smoking pot and my body feels sluggish from drinking rum and cola’s. Normally I would have smoked a bowl by now and been hacking a lot in an effort to feel better or better yet , mask the suffering. I have already decided to continue smoking the rest of my pot until its gone and to pay attention to how I feel before during and after smoking it.

So far I have noticed I seem to tense a bit before bringing fire to the bowl. This could be because I am preparing for the uncomfortable sensation of inhaling smoke. If I single out just the inhaling part of smoking pot it really does not satisfy anything other than a desire to suffer  in order to feel better(no pain no gain). Once I inhale my body wants to expel the foreign not–air out of my body. This can require controlling my natural response to cough or exhale fast. Again not very much fun nor does it feel good. After the exhale is when I will feel like I have shit in my lungs and have to cough, sometimes a lot. Normally my mouth will produce a lot of drool during the smoking process which again might be my body trying to expel the foreign contamination. Still nothing has made me feel better yet.

Shortly after smoking the pot and sometimes as I am smoking the drug takes effect. Skin begins to tingle a bit and vision gets a little fuzzy. This is the “good” part when it feels like my entire body has slipped into a fuzzy warm blanket. This effect can mask the other down sides from ingesting the weed. This “good” feeling can last for a while and leaves a slightly empty feeling as it wares off. To me this empty feeling is commonly referred to as the munchies, Eating food or candy to fill the void left behind from the drug.  Candy works really well as the sugar high can mask the negative feeling of coming down from the high. Then you will go through a sugar crash and maybe reach for some more candy , pop, snacks, pot, other drugs or whatever I have decided will make me feel better.

SO does smoking pot actually make me feel better? If I could do away with the actual smoking it part then I think it would be better as my lungs would not take such a beating. The effects of the drug do help with pain and discomfort so yes it can be beneficial and does feel nice when that fuzziness rolls over me. That fuzziness also hides the discomfort of having smoked pot in the first place. Do I continue to smoke weed to help with the discomfort of smoking weed? To some degree the answer is yes. It’s tha standard cycle of I feel crappy, I smoke weed(the process of which does not feel good) to feel better, as the weed tapers off I begin to feel crappy again, time to consume something to make me feel better. The cycle continues until I make the decision that the consumable really doesn’t make me feel better.

That is the whole point of this exercise for me, To evaluate the whole experience without my preconceived ideas that something is good for me. Just because it was good the first time does not mean its always good. My decision some time ago to believe that pot is always a good idea is no longer serving me. The same goes for Sugar, booze, painkillers and whatever else I might have available.

There is one thing that relates to all of these. My desire to feel better is coming from my perspective that I am not feeling good now. That means that I am acting from a place of lack which according to the law of attraction will only bring me more lacking. The reason WHY I want something just might be the key to unlocking the cycle.

It is common for me when I am bored or otherwise lacking to look for a substance/game/movie/food/drink etc to fill my desire. What exactly is the desire I have? I will have to pay attention to that. I want to feel whole or complete/Satisfied/content. Perhaps instead of looking for something to consume or distract I can look for the source of my discontent. Now that sounds like it might work for me, Problem solving.

The problem is that I am in a state of Dis-ease. The solution is being at-ease. seems simple enough right lol. Up till now then I have been using distractions and consumables to bridge the gap between my Dis-ease and my At-ease. The problem with this method as I have already made pretty clear is the temporary nature of the fix, More like a band-aid. To truly solve a problem you have to find the source of it and correct the issue, just like in medicine dealing with the symptoms of a disease does not deal with the disease. The same principle applies to Mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Identify the symptoms and use them to find the Dis-ease that lurks below the surface(the surface being my pre-chosen decisions).

Mind, Body and soul are all connected as one being. Any Dis-ease I have will show through the path of least resistance. If I hold a spiritual belief that brings Dis-ease and my spiritual beliefs are locked in then it makes sense for that Dis-ease to manifest in my mind or body. Each aspect of my self is reflected in the whole self. As well my internal misalignment  will be reflected back to me through my environment. All the information I need to be at-ease is available to me If I am willing to see it. This will take some soul felt honesty from myself.  The best approach just might be to Question every decision I make each time so I can make a decision that reflects my current needs. This will also help to keep me grounded in the moment and get out of my own head for a while(too much mind)  Perhaps what I seek is a state of no-mind.

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