Day 4, Addiction

Good morning, Continuing on yesterdays thread because I haven’t stopped thinking about it(too much mind) Addiction and what it means to me. Addiction stems from the belief that this thing(drugs/alcohol/food/stimuli) will make me feel better. I find it hard to break the cycle because its true, They can make you feel better but just for a short time. The side effect of these things is that once they wear off I feel worse than I did before I took it. Then I feel the urge to take more to feel better again.  That’s the pattern. Because I believe it to be true that the consumable can and usually does make me feel better It is very difficult to stop. The only way I will be able to make a lasting change is to shift my belief about the consumables.

Since yesterday I am already feeling different about a lot of things and felt less desire to get stoned, high etc. I have been more aware of the effects of my goods. Take pot for example, I have a belief that I enjoy getting stoned. In reality smoking pot feels like suffocating myself. It leaves my mouth and throat dry and clogs my lungs which I then have to cough out. These things I don’t usually pay attention to anymore I just see it as part of getting high and I actually seem to think that the worse I feel smoking it, the better I will feel afterwards.  These things don’t match up, Smoking pot feels bad but I think it is good. I must have a crossed wire somewhere. No pain, no gain perhaps.

I think I like the identity of a stoner and the protection it offers. When I lose at a game or have a lackluster performance somewhere I can just say its because I am stoned. It is a safe and believable excuse but not entirely truthful. Kind of like my idea that smoking pot is enjoyable. The reason I can turn a blind eye to the process of getting stoned is that the effects of pot then numb the negative effects and Causes me to care less in general. I could rinse and repeat this for each substance with some slightly different effects of course. What is my next step towards rooting out this addictive behavior?

The answer, I am already doing it. I am questioning my pre-made choices To see if I will make the same choice again and why. Already I have realized that I bought into some bullshit along the way and have been using that bullshit as a reason to continue my behavior. Just because something isn’t ideal for me today does not mean that it wasn’t a good fit at the time. I have to constantly question myself and be HONEST with my answers. This is the easiest and hardest part for me, How to be honest with myself when some of my core beliefs are built on lies?

Honesty can be a confusing topic for someone with bent morals. If the ground isn’t stable how can my house be? Meaning that if my values/beliefs are faulty then there is no way for me to find my truth, or is there. Could it be that my truth is just to realize that truth is subjective? What is truth? Each persons truth is going to be different and its going to change as they do. The confusion for me lives in my linking truth to fact, the fact being that truth is just an opinion when someone shares it. Maybe what I am after is simply myself. I want to see past all the barriers of lies and bullshit that I built-up to protect myself.  Only once my foundation is built on solid ground can I build a stable house.

How do I root out my old beliefs that serve me still and the ones that don’t? Abraham Hicks says to use my emotions or feelings as my guide. I believe this can and does work. The hiccup is that The substances I use alter my feelings thus making my feelings somewhat unreliable. Is that really true I wonder or just another excuse that I am making so I don’t have to deal. Gonna have to dig into this thought some more later.  It seems to me that the beliefs that once held me up are now holding me down, Similar to the crutches I have been using for the last month and a half. When I can walk without the crutch it would no longer be a benefit to me.

Perhaps the crutches I built for myself were needed at the time and I just never put them down. Limping through life for 30 years just because I am afraid to get hurt again? Fuck me, I get hurt anyways and maybe because of the crutches I hold onto.  That pain is mine and I am responsible for it. It will not go away and I cannot hide from it. My only real option is to accept it and Then take a Real Honest look at who I am and what my foundation really looks like.

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